I feel paralyzed.

Its like. I know what I need to do, I know I have to leave her. Its unhealthy. It sucks, I cant imagine living with her again, but if I do it will be hell. It will likely cost me my job, my sanity, definitely my privacy and friendships. Its just that she can be so normal some days and on a dime remind me she is a psychotic controlling abuser who doesn't care about anyone but herself. Shes hit me, manipulated me, burned me(literally i have a scar on my hand and when i asked if it was an accident she said no) she has thoroughly ruined my life. Its not fair. But if I leave the suicide threats will happen, the manipulation attempts start again, ans she may even try to get me fired. Shes a mean spirited toxic person and I need to cut her out of my life.

Im just so afraid of being alone again. Having nobody there. I know I need to be alone but I just get so so anxious. I get afraid. I miss having anyone there. Its how she got be back last time. I have to leave before the end of the months, realistically I have to in the next couple weeks. That timeliness is fucking terrifying. Its like cutting off an arm thats slowly infecting my whole nody..it has to go, or it will kill me or make things even worse but thats my fucking arm.

>>43264042
Sounds like a nightmare nona. Don't fall for the threats and manipulations,you obviously know what the right thing to do is. I hope you find the strength to go through with it.

>want to find cool people
>cool people are always mentally ill
>mentally ill people will fuck up your life
Why are there no cool mentally stable people? Pisses me off every time when I meet someone cool who gets too obsessed with me and then proceeds to self harm when I reject them.

I'm so gay I'm Brianna gay.

i like to larp as a bdd cutter tranny that has trouble with relationships every now and again despite the fact that i am a cis man. i don’t know why i do it but the attention is nice i guess

I wish all this shit didnt hurt so much

I think I tried to kill myself with substances last weekend. Don't really remember what exactly happened I just kinda started doing unholy amounts to stop the pain and woke up in an ambulance. Then when I got to the ER, I waited until everyone was away and snuck out the hospital cause I was so ashamed of myself.
Haven't told anyone not even my bf. Just bedrotting can't even bring myself to post here anymore let alone make arrangements to get medical attention.
I just lie in my bed, look at everyone else moving through life and succeed, meanwhile I can't even get out of bed to brush my teeth.
I wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow.

>>43264483
Im the same but I dont even have a significant one, or drugs.

I didn't quite realize just how many reminders I'd constantly be facing.
I'll see an image, a post— and my first thought will be that I should send it to you because I know you'd find it funny. I'll get in my car after work to head home and the GPS will once again ask me if my destination is you. Songs will come on that either you like, or was a song I was planning on having you listen to just in case you did. Even simply coming to this board, let alone posting on it is in it's own way a reminder.
None of these are particular hurtful, more than anything it brings back feelings of confusion, everything seemed perfect until it suddenly wasn't, and before there was time to even process it, a swift and unexpected end befell me by your hand.
Everyone I had confided in has thus far reached the same conclusion that there had to have been something more going on behind the scenes that I'm not aware of, I'm told that if you truly did love me, you'd have not thrown everything away so hastily, and over so little. The hypocrisies of your reasons for leaving aren't lost on myself and them, either, so it all comes off as a bit dishonest.
That said, I'm still missing you, and I still think of and love you.

cal jacobs turned me on sm i wish he stuck his thumb in my mouth

>>43263994
I pretend to be a girl because i deluded myself into thinking i can be one someday because of envy i have for girls because im retarded.

I used to be suicidal. I think there are things that could happen to make me suicidal again, but I don't think they will. Sometimes I give people advice on how to commit suicide. I point them to sanctioned suicide and tell them which methods they should use. One time I saw someone posting about how desperate they were to partially hang themselves because they didn't have time to organize a method with a higher success rate because their illness was advancing at such a rapid rate. I didn't directly reply to them, but as I was attempting a partial hang myself (I couldn't get my hands on nitrogen without arising the suspicion of the people I live with and helium is laced with oxygen these days), I posted in the thread with the methodology I was using. I'm rather pro-suicide. Or at least pro-choice for suicide. Sometimes I wish my life wasn't going so well so I could actually test my advice on myself.

I don't view myself as trans, I don't want to be seen as a woman, I'm not particularly feminine in mannerisms yet all my friends are some flavor of tranny or enby and all of them hate men in particular. I can recognize them on a surface level as not being actually misandrist, but more so hating the framework of patriarchy yet I can't remove the self loathing that comes every time I hear more negative shit about men from them.

I recognize that I'm not that ugly, or unlovable but I keep falling back into that pit of zero self worth and I will probably kill myself in the next five years. I wish I was near more queer people of my economic class so that I was not so insecure to talk to them. It's all military contractor queers, tech sector soulless freaks.

I want to help others like me, to ignore my own weaknesses of character and project security onto them, to shelter them. I want to be a comfort object. Not a person.

I feel like I push the right people away constantly in favour of the shitty ones.

I know your jokes aren't jokes
I've already given up on us
it's just a matter of time
I'll take what I can get

>>43264148
Trying like hell. Running out of time. Feeling alone. I have to do it, but god its hard. I get so twisted up thinking of the fallout. The terrible loneliness of not having someone to answer to. The guilt of being the one to do it.

I've been trying, god knows how hard i've tried, but im not strong enough, im a coward i can't get shit done, everything just scares me, i wish i was stronger, i wish i was prettier, i wish i wasn't a tranny freak, but above all i wish i was normal, is that too much to ask?

Rot in hell, whore. If I could have any wish fulfilled, I'd wish for you to never feel happiness again. I despise you with every fiber of my being.

>>43268011
lol mad

I want to be the property of a woman and to be controlled and told what to do like her pet and used for her sexual pleasure at any given moment and publicly humiliated whenever I step out of line.

Forced to be her gf, forced submissive, mind break, sexuality break
Its all I want is for you to dress me up cute for you and help me understand my body, control what and how I feel, what to think

Dis

cutestuffscarystuff

>>43268280
>>>/soc/

i have feelings for a butch woman

oh my god i love a woman who is butch

Trannies are straight men.

i want to get topped by a butch woman

ask your mom to do it retard

I fucked your mom

>>43263994
Im not going to apologize this time.