Thread #43271233
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Was a long time repper/questioner. Now finally on E, at first i fucking loved it.
Then suddenly start fearing im doing the wrong thing over and over, fear im growing breasts i might hate.
But its not consistent at all, other times i cry out of happiness because my body looks more female now.
Also lose any interest in things i used to enjoy, almost everything feels like a chore.
Feel like im even losing my desire to be female/feminine.
Sex drive nuked from HRT so also cant distract myself with that.
Lose all interest in everything i used to like, dont even know anymore if i have any trans desires at all, dont even have the confidence that im a pervert with weird fetishes anymore since sex drive got nuked.
Every day is a back and forth, one one hand: "omfg what am i doing im prob just cis i should stop" or "oh god what if i hate having tits" as well as "everything sucks i should get the courage to kms, nothing will ever be better no matter what i do".
And on the other hand: The only good-ish times i have is when im more certain im trans. Can be minor like liking how my face looks more fem in the mirror now. Or major like being happier than i ever was before with how i look and crying cuz im so happy my body looks more female now.
Neither of those moods ever lasts. The only constant is a return to misery, boredom, confusion and being not sure what i want or am while being extremely anxious that i am doing sth wrong or already did sth horribly wrong. Plus a constant dread that i wasted my entire youth.
It feels like everything i ever thought i was, might be or wanted to be (student, probably a tranny, repper, a girl, weird pervert, movie liker, computer person) is getting obliterated and im just left with nothing.
I feel entirely afloat and disconnected from reality.
Please i just want it to stop, why couldnt i have just been normal, normal tranny or normal cissy i dont fucking care anymore. But not whatever this shit is, this just feels like purgatory.
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>>43271430
Idk anymore.
Its a complicated question idk...
On one hand:
- For the first time ever i now sometimes like what i look like
- Occasionally i get ecstatic about how i look more female/feminine now
- A lot of the effects are almost entirely positive to me (less body hair, softer skin, more soft/feminine/female looking face, female fat distribution, less erections/smaller dick n balls (i dont really like them i think))
- I dont wanna risk John50-ing later anyways
- I dont really like anything that T does
(At least usually, if im in a mood like i am rn i just feel hopeless no matter what so the above doesnt apply then. But if im in a better mood then the above applies)
On the other hand:
- I am so fucking scared i wont like having breasts. I dont wanna have to get top surgery.
- Maybe i just gotta do it to gain certainty. Like if i stop and feel even worse it might give me the confidence to keep going?
But idk why im like that. Is it just im anxious about a "what if"? Ie i like them/could like them and im just scared about what if i hypothetically wont at some point? Do i just have to get used to them? Is this the actual onset of dysphoria about them? Could i just "body neutrality"-maxx my way into not caring that much about them and accepting it as a side-effect? Am i just this anxious about it because its the most permanent & visible effect, but might be fine actually?
Thats not helped by the fact sometimes i also like them. Id be lying if i said i hadnt happy cried before because i really really liked that i got a bit of breasts now... It just never lasts very long and then other times i notice them and get scared/anxious in the above non-descript way :C
Idk this is not really a good answer but this is what my brain gets like all the time thinking abt this stuff :C.
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>>43271560
Forgot to add:
- Maybe i could have liked what i look like already without E?
Like i lost weight at the same time as starting mayb that would have been enough? Ik i avoided mirrors and pictures like the plague pre-E and now i take them of myself,,,, almost daily, when i feel good about how i look.
But mayb i just didnt try hard enough?
Also:
- I dont *have to* transition?
Like im not someone for who its like "transition or die" its not even "transition or misery" i think. Sometimes i wish it was so this shit would be easier, but i dont think it is.
I just suspect being a (trans) woman would be better. I might like myself a little more sometimes and be a bit happier somtimes, but i cant really imagine a situation where (personally) it would be worse for me than being male. And sometimes i think it might be better.
At least i used to except now i have the "breast scare" (see >>43271560) that i didnt before :C. Iirc before i started i wasnt extremely looking forward to them, the other physical effects are all more interesting to me + hoping it might lift some of my brainfog/make me hate myself less/like myself more. But i wasnt expecting to dislike them.
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>>43271560
>>43271614
Please block any trans space on the Internet and get your OCD checked. Imo you should also remain on estrogen, but that's for you to decide
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>>43273089
Why do you think i should block trans spaces on the internet?
Also: Idk if i have OCD, but if i do this gender stuff is the only thing i ever had it about (which ofc makes me scared im faketrans).
Tho the obsessive/frequent thinking about it is a more recent thing again. It was also there while i was repping but not as bad as it is rn/since about 3-4 months or so.
> Imo you should also remain on estrogen, but that's for you to decide
yeah ik its ultimately my decision and i hate that fact lol. I wish there was some easy criterion i could use that gives me a guarantee on making the right decision about being trans/taking E/transitioning but there just isnt.