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#363 thread theme: Promise them their dreams will come true! Nota bene, nightmares are dreams too.

I would like to share an /erp/ opener I wrote and get feedback on my writing.

>>82186432
When was permission ever a posting requirement? Likewise, feedback isn't a given, but nothing generates nothing.

Hello thread. I didn't work on anything today, but I've basically made a little bit of inroads on the next chapter for all my projects. I'm thinking I'll try focus on doing an update for the Girlfriend Game, I'll see if I can do that tomorrow but I'll be working.

Still looking for feedback on any of the drafts I posted last thread- don't want to bother reposting all the links, but hey if I'll give a review of anything someone else has done if they want to take a look at something.

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>>82188284
WB, SAmaster.
I'll take a looksee at yet stuff, but I'm currently hashing out a new generalized request guide. Stay tuned.

>>82188463
Will do.

>>82188284
>>82189160
>Cursed Clussy Carnival: Ch. 18
>https://www.deviantart.com/stash/0p20vxp0qx1
>when Library's were genuine civic institutions
God damn it. Yeah. Reminds me I miss the Philly public library.
Nice. Humorous dialogue banter's up to snuff. Good economical use of description as well. Classic one shot:
>Password?
>Uh ... Password!
>No.
Unsuccessful as it was, reminds me of Belbo's computer break in scene from Foucault's Pendulum.
Yeah. Your dialogue's snappy and serves the story well. You've improved on that.
Newspapers. Speaking of things gone by an bye.
Have you read, Scoop, by Evelyn Waugh? A tour of some old school newspaper operation could be a treat.
A good if a short run this one, SAmaster.
>40s or 60s
My sense is 60s type characters would be more fun. You've already done much with the 40s vibe thing.
>Married?
Hm. You can roll with a married type couple dynamic, but I suspect single/dating would offer more opportunities for funzies.
I'll take a look at the other two too, but I need to get some sleep. BBL.

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>>82190028
Yeah- this is just the intro scene until I pivot into dealing with the Mexican restaurant stuff, but I need to outline that part.

You are right that I am sort of doing a lot with a 40's noire vibe. Though- many characters are from different decades in the current arc- there isn't too much of a need to specify until later.

Anyway- here's the outline I have thus far-
>getting to the newspaper office, they don't find Louis, but her boyfriend/husband Clark. Who is an inversion of Lois (she's a masculine broad type personality wise, so he's a soft little femboy- I figure he is her editor, but she wears the pants in the relationship). I'm wondering how much of that information I should impart immediately vs. hold on for later, vs. just show don't tell. I also don't know how I should follow up on Louis and Clark's (see what I'm doing there?) dynamic for the rest of the arc- I added in Louis last couple of chapters as her position makes it easy for her to drop in new plot points as needed. ANYWAY- I know at least he points them to the Mexican restaurant.
>On the way there, they run into a skeleton gang, but are aided by one of the characters from the Mexican Restaurant, who is a bit of a 'noble bandito' type character that's quite friendly.
>They go to the restaurant, meet the family. But there should be something there that I think the audience feels is advancing the plot, and I don't know what they care about.
>What actually advances the plot is they finally (spoilers) find Shades- who is being tied up and held over a vat of salsa. Turns out she wasn't in the Speakeasy, Cal just stumbles on her. But there are still more leads so they head back to the Speakeasy
>While at the Mexican Restaurant someone gives them the password for the Speakeasy which sets up the next part of the arc.

>>82190110
I think what I need is some sort of 'third-act-twist' for when they are in the Restaurant. Shades being there is one twist, but then I need to reach some sort of climax for while they are in the place. So it feels like I've built up to something, instead of meandering in place.

I don't want to retread what I did the last chapter though. Maybe I can raise a new plot-point that tries to raise stakes for the climax of the arc? Probably not something super new, but something that advances something I've already set up? I feel there's not much more I want to give away just yet though...

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>>82185637
Previous thread stories

Pink Bloodmoon: Day 1 pt. 2
https://www.deviantart.com/stash/01p8kg5hmjay

JCTTG: Armies Rise Pt. 1 + Pt. 2
https://www.deviantart.com/samaster/art/JCTTG-Armies-Rise-Pt-1-1312379966
https://www.deviantart.com/samaster/art/JCTTG-Armies-Rise-Pt-2-1315102893
>medieval fantasy, isekai, melodrama, Resisting Temptations

The Charismatic Thief
https://archiveofourown.org/works/82216651
>Dungeons & Dragons: Shadow Over Mystara , M/F/F, Syous/Moriah/Lucia, Scent Kink, Pubic Hair, Armpit Hair, Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Vaginal Sex, 5.8K words

High Sorcery
https://rentry.co/s5tbu6h8
>WIP, Medieval Fantasy, Sorcerer, M/M (future), light romance, SFW

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>>82190959
I am in a bit of a rush, so missed one detail.

Pink Bloodmoon: Day 1 pt. 2
https://www.deviantart.com/stash/01p8kg5hmjay
>tags unknown

Also from #361
Cursed Clussy Carnival Ch. 17 pt. 3
https://www.deviantart.com/samaster/art/Cursed-Clussy-Carnival-Ch-17-pt-3-1300627790
>Clussy, noire, the chinese

JCTTG: Hero's Fall
https://www.deviantart.com/stash/02crfbgx0705
https://www.deviantart.com/samaster/art/JCTTG-Hero-s-Fall-1306002939
>medieval fantasy, isekai, melodrama, elfXorc

the Third Time is the Charm: the Good Stuff
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2102581/the-third-time-is-the-charm-the-good-stuff/
>femdom, other tags unknown

The Worst Romance in The City
https://www.hentai-foundry.com/stories/user/kaktusnsfw/74455/The-Worst-Romance-in-City
>Completed, Project Moon, M/F, Original Characters, Violence, Action, Handjobs, Blowjobs, Titjob, Drugging, Rape, Size Difference, Vaginal sex, Doggystyle, Role reversal, Sex at gunpoint, Cowgirl, Creampie, Slavery, Abuse, Pregnancy, Voyeurism, Degradation

682 Containment Breach
https://rentry.org/otfn6
>m/m, SCP, tags unknown

Link anything I missed

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Live

niggas be writin up in hear
write niggas, write

>>82190110
>>82190141
Nothing wrong with the 40s vibe in of itself, but I'd like to see you stereotype another era.
Trying to gain entrance to the speakeasy looks to be a fun ongoing challenge. Maybe roll a bit more with failed passwordage, etc.
Meanwhile...
>Pink Bloodmoon: Day 1 pt. 2
>https://www.deviantart.com/stash/01p8kg5hmjay
>Guards!
>Guards?
>Haloo?
Heh. Our would be punter's Shakespearean. Ale included. A doorkeeper with a touch of the porter and his verbal spew from Macbeth, act 2, scene 3. Much fun!
Transitions to the castle wall and ends too abruptly, but WiP as they say.
I likes so far. Keep going!

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>>82195341
Yeah the castle wall scene at the end was me saving a line from a previous draft for when I get there.

I'm trying to plot out how I get there- I'm thinking in the current scene I want to give some lore for the Elf-guys culture since I was inspired on it. I'm thinking they converted in the past from one religion to the other, but now work for 'the Sultan' while not practicing his faith. But get sent all over the sultanate to deal with problems. I'm imagining they're a bit like Circassians who lived in what's now Russia, who were christians that nevertheless became unrivaled mercenaries in muslim countries (even taking over egypt).

What I'm trying to figure out though is how I move on from that scene though. I'm thinking after that Friday and the maid part ways in the courtyard but see some members of differently knightly orders talking to one another.

And after that, I'm thinking she is on the walls of the middle keep and is able to look down and see some of the different groups milling about the castle.

After that though, I don't know where to go. I'm thinking that the whole arc ends with the maid deciding to bring some food back to some guards which is when the pink bloodmoon first happens and the maid gets pursued through the castle by the countess who has been affected by the moonlight. Probably before that we see some of the upper-class visitors at the ball, but it probably needs more fleshing out.

Also thank you for all the compliments, I really appreciate them!

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By the way- I'm also looking for feedback for

>https://www.deviantart.com/samaster/art/JCTTG-Armies-Rise-Pt-1-1312379966
>https://www.deviantart.com/samaster/art/JCTTG-Armies-Rise-Pt-2-1315102893

I'm still trying to figure out how I should cap-off Lucy's arc in the story here, which I think is the main thing keeping me from continuing.

>>82188284
>>82196725
Hell, SAmaster, thank you for keeping the thread alive.
I got nothin' to review at the moment. On behalf of the thread tho' if you see someone else post a work please give it a go.
>>82200350
Anyway, yeah, two down an one more to check out. Give me an hour or two.

>>82200512
Thank you kindly!
>>82200350
Actually I think I had a bit of inspiration-

I was thinking of resolving Lucy and Jayden's spat in the epilogue, but given it's been the central conflict between the two, and I want to resolve both their arcs, it would solve a lot if they somehow reconcile in the next chapter. Or maybe I make a poll choice?

I was thinking Jayden gets summoned in her DM form trying to defeat the Void-Father only to realize she's lost control of the narrative and written herself into a corner (only the Golden Scion can defeat him, so even as the author she can't just go 'and them Goku beat him up and it was awesome' essentially).

We could also have Jayden maybe open up a bit more emotionally than Beck to try to exposit a bit more there.

I'm still wondering what exactly caps things off for them, since they can't join in the climactic fight at the end. I could see maybe it's implied Jayden writes some new stuff to better make Beck the hero so he can finish things- and maybe I just leave it off there for the two?

>>82200350
>Resolutely, she kept going, ready for her next fight as
Commas.
>WAAAAAAGHHHH!!!
Assuming we're going for some Warhammer inspiration, or satire?
>Bimbo goths of Gothenburg
Righty-o then. Oh gawd my sides...
>Speaking of; dark elf (void) bimbos.
Yeah. Everyone's a lez for, etc.
>This place? You know, it's like, we have elves here, and...
Said to the elf. Lol.
> Pizza and closely themed movies. Date night with a vampire.
Yeah ... that's ... well, what out of place moderns would do, right?
Agnes has it bad for Rizza here, yeah.
>Stab!
>The Siren: not as much boobage, but, eh.
Will Agnes will come around, or remain freaked? Stay tuned...
Good! I do like your tongue-in-cheek takes, SAmaster.
>Part 2
Gimmie a few moments more...

>>82200623
>I'm still wondering what exactly caps things off for them
I guess resolving the spat is just that. After that you can fade them outta the story for the climax.

>>82200350
>part 2
>Sigh.
Heh. Speaking of sigh...
>Censorship.
Fucking DA. Understandable though. The Eternal September has ended, leaving each succeeding Internet generation to rehash the retarded censorship battle. Anyway, back to the story...
>VF: Pass?
>Lucy: I'll pass.
Heh. A guy's gotta try tho'. But, damn, Lucy's bipolar. A god should know better. No thanks. Hard pass.
>Gender stereotypes hard go!
Classic Aristophanian satire, but amusing none the less.
>Lucy boobage
Ah. Agnes is gonna be fine after all.
>Dicks!
Heh. In her own way, Lucy is kinda hardcore.
Yep. Tham's a comedy ride. Keep at it, SAmaster and thanks for the laughs.

>>82202197
>Assuming we're going for some Warhammer inspiration, or satire?
I needed a warcry, and I didn't think I needed to be particularly original for the scene.
>Righty-o then. Oh gawd my sides...
Yeah, I wasn't sure if anyone was getting the pun the entire time.
>Good! I do like your tongue-in-cheek takes, SAmaster.
Thank you!

People don't bring up a lot of the jokes I do, so I wonder if what I'm doing is too smart by half. But then I wonder if I'm being too blunt with certain messaging as well.
>>82202240
Maybe I just have things implied to be resolved as we're switching to another scene, and I can get into details in the next story?
>>82202670
For reference when I publish the PDF version it'll be with uncensored images.
>But, damn, Lucy's bipolar.
That's the idea. I love writing for her because she can switch beats on a dime. She's someone who both likes to think she's a very rational reasonable person, but also someone who wears her emotions on her sleeve. But I wanted it extra exaggerated here as she's at her wits end.

Anyway very much welcome. I think I have an idea for what I want to try doing for the next part. Though- I want to get an update out for the Girlfriend Game tomorrow, I'll see how I do there.

>>82203114
>People don't bring up...
To get back to trends in writing craft, you're hitting on a cultural Internet shift I've seen brought up in other writerly venues. General readers are not as chatty, not as feedbacky, as once was the case. This is especially noticeable on Ao3 as I have been given to understand.
I'm reminded of one pre-Internet playwright who made full use of the advantage afforded by observing early performances to judge audience reaction, and modify his plays accordingly.
I'll try to keep that more in mind when I do feedback as it's what modern Indy authors are sorely lacking today. This may merit mention on the Masterbin as well. Hm.
However, if you are second guessing yourself as to the comedic aspects of your works, knock it off. You're doing fine, and, I would add, you know what you are doing.
But, yeah, that whole readerly feedback thing's a recent problem.
>implied to be resolved
I think it best to follow your artistic instinct, but it's something to consider worth exploring for a scene.
>PDF
Well, I don't read your stuff for the risque art. That's what a Michael Manning graphic novel is for. But the mostly SFW art makes a nice adjunct to your storytelling. Sure, tho', jazz around with some smut and publish it when (and where) you can.
>Gots me some idears.
Yep! Keeps rolling.

>>82185637
Requesting a bad guy ending villain wins story of Baby Vegeta beating goku after getting his tail cut off where he gets a harem of human women to repopulate the tuffle race. Except its sort of porn horror because as time goes on the mutations to vegetas body from the tuffle parasite make him increasingly more of a machine mutant with unnatural dark silver metallic skin, very horny and deranged until he succeeds and rules the universe

>>82205475
Really? I did some fanfiction back in the day (like late oughts) but I wasn't as productive back then, so I haven't noticed much of a difference. I do feel like my commenters haven't been posting as much the last few months. But I was attributing that to a combination of winter/early spring malaise (I notice my metrics peak in the summer, and I doubt that's solely due to me being more productive myself) and my stories taking a more melodramatic than sexy tone.

>I think it best to follow your artistic instinct, but it's something to consider worth exploring for a scene.
Well I'm thinking a few things-

A. I want to try to wrap things up
B. I want things to be mostly resolved in the epilogue,
C. I want to keep it ambiguous how 'self-aware' Jayden is.

So I'm thinking I can imply as I end a scene that the two reach an emotional understanding, without getting into the specifics, and I can detail some of the specifics later.

>Well, I don't read your stuff for the risque art. That's what a Michael Manning graphic novel is for. But the mostly SFW art makes a nice adjunct to your storytelling. Sure, tho', jazz around with some smut and publish it when (and where) you can.
I do find it odd that I find my writing more... sex adjacent than anything else. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's me wanting to explore interpersonal themes I don't have a lot in my day to day life?

Hey there, /wfg/; longtime lurker of the /trash/ board and onetime actively prolific writefag for a handful of random threads.

Things went kinda, well...y'know, not gonna bore you lot with the details and shit, but let's just say I finally wrote an update to one of the stories I enjoyed writing back in the day, and figured I'd share it. Only took me, what, six goddamn years to write it?

Anyway, here you go. Enjoy, or don't, as you do.

Z0RR.a
https://archiveofourown.org/works/25611046/chapters/62164267
>SCP-1471 (knockoff), 1st Person, Modern, Slice of Life, M/F, Mostly SFW

>>82207757
>Buenas dios, Zorra
...that Billy and Mandy comic has done irreversible damage to how I see buenas (buenos? Gender dependent?) dias.
>The pinch of the butt
I see it affects you too.

That aside, a cute ghost story to be have here, and a fun use of VR for direct interaction with her. It might have been a short lived update and spur of the moment, but I actually liked what I read, even if it is a 2nd person story. Builds both (You) and Zorro as some kind of character. My favorite is definitely the discovery of the VR tech and exploration of the sensations, especially her confusion. A nice turn around.

>>82209148
Glad to hear you liked it; I have another few chapters I'm working on, in various degrees of being postable; I plan to drop at least one or two more updates next week, and hopefully see where it goes from there.

Feels kind of nice, getting back into being able to write again. Who knows, maybe I'll even get around to updating some of my other stories.

>>82207456
Like I said, observations from various others. It doesn't mean zero engagement, just less comments and less detail. Stories are still being read.
>A, B, C.
That's doable.
>Sexy stuffs
Yeah, not everything needs be pornographic. People are reading your stuff and that's proof enough. Keep at it.

>>82207757
>A tribute to the Zorro ransomware kit
Lawl.
>Behold! Soup.
Marry me.
>Creepy Mexican stalker.
>Delivering candles.
>And desert!
¡Cásate conmigo!
>You're being haunted by a Mexican furry.
...
Anyway, by chapter 5 I'm thinking his one overriding goal now is to find our what she wants and give her what she wants. Hopefully, she intends to be a domestic kinda ghost. Be very nice to her. Jackpot, yo.
>Alcohol.
Uh ... next time say it with flowers, buddy. You gotta start slower. Lawl.
>Chapter 8, wat do?
You wash the dishes you idiot! Maybe let her dry them, but offer to do that as well.
>New hardware install blues.
True dat.
A cute engaging story, Nohbdi. Welcome back to the writing thing and keep rolling!

>>82207757
>>82214240
https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=JbTHvJa2Yk8

>>82185637
How's your fic.?

>>82217452
I swear I'll work on it tomorrow...

>>82193723
Mortis.

While generating content bump

we're implementing a specialized team to beat writers until they start working on their stories again
the first subject is me

>>82224869
Only problem. While the writers be writin' the thread be dyin'. Ah well. Wednesday's right around the corner...

>>82226315
i report it as a success and i got done writing
for now....
>>82217452
going good, finally got the intro part of my story good enough to where i'm satisfied and can start getting to the meat and bones. 7k words in, only 8k left before i start posting

I don't know if it'd be better to whine about this here or on /lit/ but I'm here anyway. I've recently been planning my own original story, and after looking back on some of the ideas for the plot and characters it's very clear that I'm just aping different anime/manga I've consumed over the years and mashing them together. Is there anything inherently wrong with this? And besides reading more American and European literature, what's the solution to this? Also no, I won't be sharing details regarding the plot and characters.

>>82230856
There is a saying: Bad artists borrow, good artists steal. Nowadays, it's very hard to come up with a truly original concept, as you have the entirety of written history to compete with. The real art is in the execution.

>>82185637
Haha can't write

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>>82230856
Postmodernism suggests there's nothing new under the sun. What we can do is mix what's already been, and play around with the mixing. Which is a fancier way of saying: >>82231022.
Avoiding cliche is still good, though if you can lift a few and redeploy them in a different context can fly.
So ... what to mix? Let's start with Lucian of Samosata and all his snark ... drop him into a modern scifi setting. What a schock to how things really are and so much for snark. Now, have him crash land on the planet of ... anthrosaur bimbos ... who are very happy to see him. And ... well. You know.

>>82230856
People tend to write stories based on what they are familiar with. I saw a Ted-Talk by an african girl where she confessed she became victim of stereotypical thinking where she was only writing about white people in Europe and America because those were all the stories she consumed. It took her a while to realize she wasn't writing about people in Africa cause there weren't a lot of those stories around and she made a conscious effort to change that.

It's not bad but it can be limiting.

Personally what I think comes first for a story is themes, it's what keeps me from writing certain stuff. Plot is what happens in a story, theme is what it's about. And it's what you keep coming back to throughout a story. So I say it's most important to have a good theme, than it is to have original plots or characters. George Lucas stole from all kinds of places to make Star Wars, but it works because its themes are very solid. I'd argue the prequels survive on it's themes, while the sequels flounder because it doesn't have any.

>>82233910
You spooked me cause I work sunday. It's saturday.

>>82234048
>sbb
lawl

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https://www.deviantart.com/samaster/art/Girlfriend-Game-0-7-Release-1320633914

0.7 release of the Girlfriend Game!
>game, cyoa, ftf, humor

I went and updated the Girlfriend Game like I said. I'll see if I can get back to my other projects tomorrow. People please check it out and tell me what you think.

I've also been posting links on F94 to try to promote it, where I had some positive feedback.

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I'll toss an idea involving Nutmeg Tiger Cookie, which broke free out of a guy's phone or tablet after he fucks up and lets his device overheat while playing Cookie Run Kingdom on said shitty device, causing an explosion and manifesting her into existence. Rather than being tiny, I think it'd be nice for her to be like 3 or 4 feet tall (shortstack). Being in a sudden, unknown world, she immediately makes a mess of the place and is hostile to the guy, trying to slash and stab him to put her back. While she's bigger than he expected, he manages to wrangle her down despite the threat and heat, and, being a cat, he uses butt slaps and scratches to make her climax and calm down.
She still tries challenging him a number of times, disbelieving that someone so squishy and underbaked could best her, let alone her master, but she fails each time, leading to more humiliating climaxes and exposed. If violence isn't working, she tries spice challenges, but she learns that he's a spice enthusiast, and discovers just how hot a meal with ghost pepper really is. Guy tricks her to having a make out session with him to cool the new spice when she can't take it, which only leaves her more hot and bothered.
The constant losses eventually has her admit to him being stronger than her, and without a master in sight, she offers him to be her new master. Sexy cat sex fight ensues for dominance, and she is cummed inside of.

>Catgirl/sphinx, spanking, collar, forced submission, spice, kissing, claw marks

Her dialogue and personality: https://cookierunkingdom.fandom.com/wiki/Nutmeg_Tiger_Cookie/Quotes

>>82231022
>>82232900
These posts make me feel better about it being somewhat unoriginal. If I can present the ideas in an interesting way then I suppose it pans out.
>>82233934
The reminder to focus on themes was actually a much needed reminder. I kind of knew what I wanted them to be going into it, but writing them down and being able to assess it for myself is very helpful and actually lets me plan things out with more structure.
Thanks anons. Have a nice weekend.

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Bump

>>82242683
Welcome.
I've heard /lit/ isn't as pretentious as once was, years ago. I like to think we remain more useful to beginners and intermediate writers. As well, I think we hold at least an echo of the /tg/ get things done spirit. So, hang around and share as ye wills it.

>>82242683
You're welcome. Despite my focus on it, finding out what I want for themes has been tricky to me. Purely a matter of inspiration which is fickle.

>>82245939
Some folks still come here to complain about the issues of /lit/ earlier this year and last, so it might not be much, but it's still pretty high

When you're writing a sex scene, how do you approach logistical questions like "If they're in this position, can his hand reach X without shifting?" or "How much larger does she need to be so that when she's on top, his face is buried in her tits?" Do you go into a level of detail deep enough where you need to think about these things? What do you do if you find out you need to change things around because they just don't work out?

>>82248171
As someone that likes shortstacks, having the strength to lift and make the other character go into poses is something you have to think about. Sometimes you may just have to go with lap sex. Or mention someone flexible enough to fuck someone and bend their back/neck enough to bury their face between breasts.

Although generally while people reading smut aren't looking for totally practical poses, if size difference is part of the kink one way or the other (sex size difference, height difference), finding a way to emphasize it will enhance the session. For two normal sized people though, the specifics are usually looked past unless you're doing a sexy pose for a foreplay/sex.

Doggystyle sex is fun on paper, but trying to go for a kiss I see is sometimes impractical if the neck is unable to bend well. But hey, that's what suspense of disbelief is for, right?

fellas am i wrong to use an ai as a beta reader or to check certain parts of my story that i'm unsure about for advice? i decided to use it for a couple spots and it was pretty helpful, although i didnt let it rewrite anything for me

>>82250061
Only if you can't get another pair of human eyes on it.

>>82250202
ok that's about what i thought as well, fair enough then. maybe once i get my current story going i'll start posting WIPs here to get more real feedback

I'm working on this, it's basically an alternate universe where rangers are fighting a war and there's dinosaurs. There's also a spinoff smut series.

https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniSaysDinosaur

>>82250726
And I messed up linking already

Smut spinoff
https://archiveofourown.org/works/82934026/chapters/218372316

Regular series (kinda bloody/gory)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/82899981/chapters/218277351

>>82250726
>>82250762
>Rangers
Like the Power Rangers? Or is this an original series?
>smut spinoff has photo of real person
...I am confused.

>>82250980
Brah

>>82248171
Depends on the story. Tone, style, etc., will guide how to present. Point of view especially for what the reader is seeing. Seeing the overall action has different mechanics from experiencing it as one single character.
Being inexact let's you gloss over potential issues. Fiction for general audiences resorts to more figurative, and suggestive language, including the classic fade to black. Dialogue can be put to good use to suggest much of the action as well. The overall process here is as one literary PHD put it, you can't really describe the color red with words alone. All one can do is evoke the memory of red in the mind of your reader. Let the reader's imagination do the work.
For myself, I tend to use more concrete details. When writing humanoid/anthro characters I want to account for and emphasize differences. I've red some very generic fanfiction erotica scenes where you can substitute the names of other characters, or even real people without changing anything. That works for some, but I assume most readers want more detail to let the inherent oddities to stand out. In that case you need to envision the action in your own mind like a film director to identify logical limitations and avoid continuity errors.

>>82238619
>Log in to download.
Uh. OK.
The mega folder has some nice artwork and one html file. I assume that's the readme file.
Anyway, you might wanna mention what is required to run (browser based?) and a means for non-DA users to download.

>>82250762
>Tropical Heat.
>Smut.
Considering what I write I guess that makes me the resident volunteer reader.
>Dinosaurs an nakkid ladies!
Whoot! Hey, I see a possible smut tie in to the story. How about-
>Don't even ask.
Oh. Well. OK, then. (Lawl)
Anyway, a few suggestions.
I would be a little more specific here.
>random mortar
random mortar round
>theropod
>Allosaur
Too clinical. I would add a few descriptive details. Too few readers are Paleontologists, and it's been a long while since I've read Jurassic Park. Just pick two or three details as adjectives to toss in.
>scientists.
>"It's been..."
There is one line of white space between these two lines. I'd add two more. The point is to hint at a "short" scene transition. A horizontal line, or dingbat, is also used for transitions, but they're for more "longer" transitions with a completely different group of characters, etc.
>"Groovy!" She said,
The !, in dialogue paired with a dialogue tag (said) functions as a comma.
"Groovy!" she said,
Also, new speaker, new paragraph. You need a blank line after this line and next. There's a few other similar errors later on.
>...technician?" He asked.
? functions the same as the ! in this case. Etc.
...technician?" he asked.
Random silly tangential observation. Given the choice of what kinda science types to sit with for lunch, choose the geologists. They're the most fun. Trust me. Meanwhile...
>She didn't even scan the captain's fingers for a ring.
Lawl.
>Fscking belts how do they work?
Like unhooking a bra? Pain in the ass, yeah! (lawl)
>cervix penetration
Not a complaint, but, hmm. Well, porn's not meant to be a lesson in biology and you can go wither your writerly ways wish to wander. However, assuming she's not an alien, or mutant, uh ... no.
>And the rest of the action!
Cute and descriptive. Dialogue works. Obviously the meat of the story is the sex scene. Well done!

>>82257582
https://mega.nz/folder/nv5zVILT#QtrGj-wXrqaudzr9mh6u9Q

Here's the link directly, I didn't think that DeviantArt would require any login.

https://f95zone.to/threads/girlfriend-game-v0-71-samaster.291147/

I also posted it on F95, so you can also go there.

The HTML file is the game link- so long as it's next to the image folder in your computer it'll work, just double clink the HTML file and it'll open up the game on your browser. Just how twine (the engine) works.

>>82185637
Unsure if this is okay, but I've been getting real interested in BDSM stuff and wanted to know if there are any good fics between the soft and tender to the more extreme parts of the hobby that you guys could recommend? Asking as a complete and total newbie at this whole fetish.

>>82259265
BDSM starts with one question: Femdom or Maledom? Which is your focus?

>>82260739
Fendom, while I'm mostly looking for FxF Fendom I might also steal some ideas for FxM Fendom.

>>82259265
>>82260859
As I was also going to suggest, there's a few basic divisions to consider.
Gay, or straight?
Male, or female as the dom?
Humans or anthro?
Original characters, or pre-existing from various franchises, seies, toons?
And so on.
No one can tell you what you like. So, I would start by browsing through a search for BDSM on the granddaddy pre-Internet Usenet group Alt Sex Stories Moderated (and related groups): asstr (inset dot here) org.
Maybe take stroll through literotica, which I guess is the closest spiritual successor.
After that, browse the same on Ao3 and see what looks interesting.
By then you will have a short list of tags you like, at least a handful of stories, and can tool around on other sites, boorus, whatever.

Okay I have some ideas I want to run by people I came up today and could be useful in motivating me to write-

For the Worlds Strongest C-Class I was initially thinking of setting things around a bank-robbing but I figured the situation (a bit like Die Hard) would be too much of an escalation, and not have enough of the pre-existing cast to develop stuff enough.

For whatever reason I came up with a couple character concepts- Tortoise and Hare, who would be a rabbit summon and turtle summon (in that order) as part of a courier service. And I could use this to explore something like a 'double battle' and showcase Cameron and Michelle failing to act like a team. I'm thinking maybe they want a package they have which could upgrade their weapons (and the personally originally wanting it decides watching them fight for is more entertaining and lets it go). I feel like I need an additional complication to things, I'm not sure what.

Other unnassorted ideas I have-
- A summons rights activist that is actually a chubby lesbian that wants to monopolize summons for herself (imagine Team Rocket energy, not a real villain)
-A summon that wants to be a power-ranger and constantly boasts about Justice non-stop. Weak-as-shit, but unkillable. Maybe paired with the above character (to her great annoyance).
-A little girl that likes dressing as a magical girl. Pissy that people keep dismissing her for being too childish and girly. Gets paired with a super-powerful edgelord summon that she uses to lord over other people.
-The aforementioned bank robbery that involves Scott helping an old man finding his way who is secretly a Summoning Wars veteran.

>>82262368
-A band of collarless summon from Michelle's past. One I was thinking is a monkey-girl technician type that uses a fuck-ton of guns. And I was thinking the leader is a gyaru type character that lets others think she's too stupid to be a threat. I was initially thinking she'd be a catgirl, before thinking I should be more original, and then I thought 'uses guns to overcome that she doesn't have summoning weapons' and then I thought 'monkey so she can shoot more guns' but I decided that would be better off as their own character.

The other idea I had for the Pink Bloodmoon story- I was thinking that the MC for the main story should have a personal reason to enter the county in the midst of a curse as that's more compelling. And I defaulted to 'looking for lost family' because I can't think of a better one even though I've already used it. I was thinking their mother could maybe be a witch. But as I was thinking about it- I was thinking it could be interesting to explore what a family that practices dark magic would be like in the setting. And I thought it'd be real funny if they had a succubus big sister. But I then decided if the character is looking for their mom, they shouldn't also be looking for the sister on top of that. So maybe they enter the county later on joining the party? So that way they are a more active than passive character.

>>82258474
Thanks for the feedback.

The capitalization after exclamations and question marks are a habit.

As for the dialogue, I prefer the way it is and feel it's fine for fanfiction.

Don't know if you've ever worn a battle belt, some have a security buckle that requires depressing a button or disengaging a safety lever to remove them. It's a feature in case you have to be dragged by a retrieval winch to a recovery vehicle.

Thanks again!

>>82266632
Welcome! Caution advised, as I sound more authoritative than I have any right being. All are only suggestions.
>Dialogue
The meat of the dialogue is all good. I'm just nitpicking on formatting.
>battle belt
Yes, I have. More importantly, I've struggled to unhook a bra or two in the heat of the moment. Which is to say, it's deliciously comical to see the situation reversed.
Thanks for the story and keep writing!

>>82262368
>little girl that likes dressing as a magical girl. Pissy that people keep dismissing her for being too childish and girly. Gets paired with a super-powerful edgelord summon that she uses to lord over other people.
It's all fun and games until a magical splash flare nukes a town by accident.

>>82262368
>>82262409
>monkey-girl technician type that uses a fuck-ton of guns.
Do want. This has potential.
>succubus big sister
While in favor of the concept generally, I'm feeling this is a typecast repetitive character for you. For that reason I would say skip.
The other choices didn't prompt any strong feelings one way or the other.

>>82185637
>Write Faggotry
Faggotry

>>82270248
>>82270248
>Do want. This has potential.
I feel I need a third character to round things out. Another animal girl. They only have base level power due to not having a summoner. And I need an animal that pairs well with being a gyaru type.
>While in favor of the concept generally, I'm feeling this is a typecast repetitive character for you. For that reason I would say skip.
Really? In what was. I don't mind incest, but in this instance I was imagining I play up the actual sibling angle, and portray the MC as annoyed he has a flighty big sister that sleeps around. Not because she's a succubus. But because she keeps landing herself in toxic relationships against better judgement.

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>>82276238
>what was.
And is no more? OK, buddy, I countin' on you for them change!
Any ... way, what I mean is you do bimbo monsters a plenty and a succubus is the very definition. Change things up a bit by skipping the succubus, or do something more radical with her. That said, in some cases it's like advising Agatha Christie to stop doing Brit murder mysteries and go pen a Delany space opera. If that's what the audience wants, laugh long and hard and carry on. Well, you know the deal. Not all advise is real, or advisable. Just something to think about.

>>82277055
I see what you mean. Anyway I like bimbo's, sort of a central theme. But what I was thinking that the way this isn't 'doubling up' is that in this setting Succubi work very differently than what's going on in the county. This was drawn attention to in the prior arc where Pantella notes that Succubi look different (lacking the pink eyes). And I was thinking of having another succubus character already that would be in a location the main party would explore (I was thinking a futa succubus that infiltrated a nunnery- only to get drained dry by the corrupted/bimbofied nuns and trying to hide from them- I was thinking maybe she's a pen-pal of the big sister). But basically I was thinking that Succubi while they have a high sex drive are more about hypnosis and illusion and slutting women up specifically, while what's going on in the valley is the result of an unearthed fertility goddess whose powers have been so bottled up that they are violating several of the rules of how people in this setting understand things.

That make sense?

Hey all. I’ve been writing for a little while now, and I finally mustered the courage to share my story in progress called My Saving Grace. It’s a Helluva Boss /hmofa/ noir (yes, I am aware asking people to read a vivslop fic is a tall order), and I like how it’s turning out so far. I’m aware of the criticisms with chapters being too short and plot feeling weirdly paced. But I would like to hear your thoughts. Please tell me what you like and what can improve!
>Helluva Boss, M/F, /hmofa/, Noir, Mystery, Romance, Drama
https://archiveofourown.org/works/70148341/chapters/182132381

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Rainy Summer Chapter One

https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vQ5yAeW_WqNdjHXAfIN-xwHfRpeOCimcnI-VrAkkgGqN7Fya86rlrC_CPfopB6jzqAeFxAHXYZ6DF-0/pub

tags: childhood sexual abuse, dark, light physical abuse, alcohol use

>>82279456
Y'know I never thought much about Helluva Boss beyond the memes made by the dev behind it (VivezPop). I wonder what goes on in that w—
>“You’re fuckin’ stupider than a bag o’ rocks, you know dat?!” The raspy, accented voice takes all doubt away. “‘Never once botched a job’ my Satan-blessed asscrack! You’re blowin’ up on the news, fuckwad!”
Ah, right. Language.
Probably pretty tame here compared to what is potentially spewed out by the more obnoxious cast, I assume. Beyond that, considering the setting, I assume this takes place in hell. How does death work when you're already dead down here?
>My foot stays steady on the gas at about 100 miles an hour back on the road.
Honestly the only thing that's unrealistic in hell. Bumper-to-bumper traffic is true hell.

Honestly I like the first chapter? An explosive start makes for a good anchor to keep people hooked, especially when escaping with some kind of treasure was deemed a bad thing, if the phone call had anything to say. And doing it in first person is also quite fun. I am a bit lost as I don't know the series, but a quick look at the girl the Anon is working with is a bird girl. So I'm willing to give a few more chapters a try when I get more energy.

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>>82279857
Said bird girl for reference

>>82279857
>Death?
Not the writer, but, as I understand the franchise, death in hell means complete oblivion. So the dead can be eliminated completely and finally.
You would think the damned would be more careful given the stakes, but this is all cartoon physics with related gags, even while paired with the mix of adult themes, language, satire...

>>82279456
Gave chapte 1 a go. Cleanly and clearly written. Good mix of action and you dive right into the story. As has been noted a reader needs some familiarity with the show, but that's true of just about all fanfiction. Good start!

bumpan

new bump

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bird story superiority (bump)

>The First Furry
#human male, #canine female, #love, #bestiality, #male/female,

archiveofourown.org/works/63402439

It's moved down in priorities sadly, I was making weekly updates about a year ago but i just don't have time now unfortunately. Always love to get feedback!

>>82288578
I wish I knew how to read

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Requesting a forbidden romance between a human girl, and a large (talking) male snake.

In this story, the male snake is in love with a human girl. For reasons entirely dependent on the plot and setting, their relationship is forbidden, and for those reasons and more of her own, she turns him down. However, he does not give up and she eventually succumbs to his advances. As their relationship develops, they have to face society and the consequences of such a union.

Initially, the protagonists are already familiar enough that they can spend extended amounts of time together, giving him enough opportunity to try to woo her. She initially turns him down for a number of potential reasons. First of all, there relationship would be socially devastating, with potential consequences ranging from ostracism, to prison, banishment, and even death, depending on the setting. Second, her social environment may have subconsciously affected her in a way that makes her unable to even think of him as a potential partner. Third, she sees him mostly as a friend, so she is not initially interested in him romantically. Lastly, like most normal humans, she simply doesn't find snakes sexually attractive. All of these reason will make it challenging for the snake to convince her, but he is persistent, and with some help from the plot, he eventually manages to seduce her.

In the beginning of their relationship, the girl's attachment to him remains mostly emotional. She is in love with him but still not sexually attracted (yet). That is not an issue for him, who as a snake has a very low sex drive and who is very happy to be in a relationship with her at all. Eventually however, she still wants to have sex with him, mostly out of a desire to give herself to him.

Later as their relationship develops, she becomes more sexually attracted and they can have more creative sex.

I have more to say about this but this post is getting long. I welcome any discussion about it.

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>>82287941
Uffda.

>>82289232
Huh?

>>82282655
So even the dead may die...

Captcha is slow as fuck

>>82293645
Yeah. They've rolled out newer and more intensive bot checks. I think there's a slower file upload scan in place now too.
Eh. Whatever. The arms race continues.

Bump.

>>82279456
>>82279857
>>82282655
>lest I take back my mercy and drive you six feet under.”
This explanation just makes this funnier now.
I read the rest of the chapters. 2 and 3 does a great job of setting things up.

I do have some issues with chapter 5, as it implies that the jobs Octavia gave Anon have been numerous enough for some kind of relationship to take place between the two, but we only really see one job in chapter 4. Which makes the crash out that happens at chapter 5 a bit confusing to understand. I assume it's her grandpa that does and she's being emotionally angry and irrational but it also implies like anon and Octavia had already went through quite a few missions between the short time gap between chapters, which is only confirmed when he clarified that he only talked to her for a few hours since that one mission. Still, even in a world of selfish individuals, there will always be a want to ask for genuine help.


There is clearly a big focus on family/relationship drama in chapter 3, which a reader outside of the fandom is gonna have a few minor confusion as to who's with what.
At the very least, it seems like Anon has daddy issues of his own.

>>82298139
I’m gonna explain with some cope.

Anon and Octavia are both horrendously unstable 18 year olds. Octavia is better at masking them in general, even to herself, but when Anon doesn’t feel the need to be professional he lashes out through violence.

Octavia’s close family friend passed away, believing it had something to do with Anon, hence her lashing out. He, on the other hand, is exhausted from this princess who he’s interacted with only for a little while, one who nearly killed him and is making him run around like an errand boy.

Or maybe I’m just incompetent and shortsighted.

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You're telling me this thread has been open for a week and I didn't know? Is this some kind of sick joke?

>>82299245
For me it's the time aspect that has me scratching my head.
If hell is what I think it is, you don't just open up your most vulnerable side for someone you hardly met. Not even a day has passed since the two met and yet both of them speak as if they went through some missions or scenarios together before this moment. Then again, on a setting where life is fickle and people die all the time, there could be more reasons to have flash romances or flings than anything...

If I had to sum up the feeling, I don't think the chapter gets away with suspending my disbelief compared to the others due to the time issue. This is tagged as a slow burn, but this is basically the hottest it is burning so far, but you need a bit more kindling if you really want to make those flames go? Those are just my thoughts. It isn't enough to stop me from reading it to see where it goes though.

>>82299913
Your criticisms are entirely valid. I was trying to think of a way for these two—who only saw each other as means to an end initially—to open up. This probably wasn’t the best method, but I was scratching my head thinking of something which could’ve acted as a catalyst to each of them wanting to, at the very least, try and understand one another.

I might rewrite it later down the line, but I might’ve thrown myself into a corner as far as that encounter’s concerned. Stumped in regards to what I can do to fix it.

>>82300098
If you do some kind of rewrite, I'd suggest having some a few more missions with unknown time gaps, where Anon shows signs of him showing some level of care, but only suspicions of care. Enough for Octavia to wonder if she could actually open up to him.

>>82299850
Have you done anything in that time?

>>82302195
Nah, I was busy working and doing yardwork for me mummy. All of my coworkers keep having horrible accidents and because of it I end up having to take more and more hours, leaving me with less time to wanna write.

>>82302416
That sucks. I'm trying to do some stuff today, but haven't done much over the last week.

I made small starts on most of my projects but not much else.

>>82302416
Those are the moments where you have to mustar(d) the courage most anon

https://www.deviantart.com/stash/01fwlqqtrmdp

Well I got a scene done for Jayden's Cursed Tabletop Game. I have maybe two or three more for the chapter to do.

>>82314572
cure to male loniless