Thread #42823411
Mentally it feels like my life is falling apart Anonymous 03/02/26(Mon)14:15:50 No.42823411 [Reply]▶
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Ok my life ISNT falling apart, im not about to be homeless or kms or sth. Its just that my entire personality basically (which barely existed to begin with) is currently imploding and it makes me feel incredibly anxious and stressed.
I repped being trans for like 7 years and now im half a year on E. im also currently in finishing my masters degree and have to find a job for real now. And it feels like everything is falling apart?
Like, i was miserable while repping, at least im pretty sure, its already hard to remember. But at least i could distract myself sometimes with like studying/youtube/movies/games all of this is kinda boring now/unable to distract me. Instead i just 24/7 obsess over if im doing the right thing transitioning. Im scared that the fact that im not 24/7 blindingly happy over HRT changes rn means im actually cis and currently ruining my life.
Like id prefer being a woman i think, if i already was one my life would probably be at least a little better. But having to TRANSITION into one? Idk if i can survive that. Doesnt help that im miserable rn, my self identification used to be repper/student/movie liker/tech person and now none of that is quite true anymore.
Like id have to be a person to be a woman, and the small amount of personality i had is currently disintegrating. I used to be really into the subject im studying, but now dont care, maybe because i used it to rep, like "i cant set up an HRT appointment/think about gender, i got an exam coming up!".
Also doesnt help im about to turn 25. Over my years of repping i always envied women of (then) my age. So now it feels like im just a weird AGP creep that wants to be an early 20s/late teens woman but missed out. Id prob. still prefer to be a 30 yo woman than man. But still, im scared that i will eternally yearn for something i have decidedly aged out of. Like what if i want to be a woman, but only a young one? Makes me scared im not trans and currently making a massive mistake.
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>>42823427
I mean yeah but it still sucks and idk how to ever get over it. Especially because i knowingly repressed through those years. I could have saved myself but nah, i knowingly let myself grow into the body of a whole ass adult MAN and idk how to ever get over that :c.
Plus thats not even the main point of the post. Its just one of the many things that make me constantly question/fear if im "actually cis" and am currently making a massive mistake by taking E.
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>>42823988
Nobody else can know for sure, but remember that all choices have their downsides.
It’s also possible that if you kept kicking the can down the street by distracting yourself through entertainment, you’d eventually go full John 50 later on and you’d have even more ”lost” decades to regret. 25 still isn’t bad, you can still experience life as 20something when you transition.
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>>42824149
> Nobody else can know for sure
The problem is that seemingly i cant know for sure either lol. Eventhough ive had episodes of literally crying from happiness, because i saw that E gave me some curves in the mirror (waist + small breasts). Or that ive now started taking pictures of myself that i like a little sometimes (i used to always avoid pictures and mirrors).
Doesnt fucking matter, i still end up daily or even hourly questioning whether itll turn out im actually cis and fucking up my life right now.
Also even what i said in my last comment here wasnt even the point of the post. The point was that im feeling miserable right now because all the things that i used to identify with (student, repper) and used to like (movies, tech stuff, youtube, games) are going away now or i stopped enjoying them.
I was hoping Estrogen would allow me to become a real person. Someone who cared about themselves and had a personality. But right now it feels like its falling apart instead.
Prob not even estrogens fault tough, turning 25 and having to enter the job market would have probably fucked me up/depressed me even if i wasnt on E or even if i was cis lol.
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>>42824149
> It’s also possible that if you kept kicking the can down the street by distracting yourself through entertainment, you’d eventually go full John 50 later on and you’d have even more ”lost” decades to regret.
Yeah thats partially what keeps me going. Chances were/are probably good that thats what would end up happening...
> 25 still isn’t bad, you can still experience life as 20something when you transition.
Also probably true, and also something i keep trying to tell myself but its just hard lol.
Doesnt help that from being a shutin + repper + autistic i mentally feel like im at most 16 yo. Genuinely feels like i decided to just lock myself in my own head around the time puberty started and now idk if i can still get out and become a real person, or if its too late :c.
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>>42823411
you probably wont relate to me but i think theres a lot of overlap between trans thoughts and just an inability to accept parts of yourself that cant really be fixed or wont be changed. like im sure part of it for me is simply a rejection of my own personality, but simply rejecting it and larping isnt going to actually change it because ultimately im still gonna think the same way. i feel very malebrained and i dont really think i can access the female experience, so i know that even by transitioning it will never be enough, even if i passed id just be like a dude in my mind putting up on a front.
it just feels like a bunch of little factors added together that make me want to transition, not one overall thing, which is bad because it means i cant really identify fully with the decision. if it was as simple as just knowing whether you are or arent trans it would be easier. but in my case its just confusion on top of confusion. desu the only thing stopping me from detransing is fear of masculinisation
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>>42824695
> it just feels like a bunch of little factors added together that make me want to transition, not one overall thing, which is bad because it means i cant really identify fully with the decision. if it was as simple as just knowing whether you are or arent trans it would be easier. but in my case its just confusion on top of confusion.
I can kinda relate to that part. For me its also more minor stuff, like id prefer to be perceived as female by a bit, id prefer to look more female by a bit, id prefer to sound more female by a bit etc.
But its not like i KNOW i am female/have to be female to be happy or sth. I wish i was like that so i could fully commit to transition. But instead im just stuck wondering if im "actually trans" or if i "actually *have to* do this" etc.
So yeah its also kinda confusion on top of confusion for me too lol.
I think ATP what keeps me going is a sort of "fuck it" attitude. I clearly seem to prefer it sometimes and, worst case, perma manmoding or top surgery could still be on the table ig. This doesnt always calms me down, but its what gets me to take my pills in the morning despite also being a worried confused mess every day about it as well lol.