>>42830674
You might just be cis.
Why were you even taking HRT in the first place? I had to swim through shark infested sewage to get HRT, how the fuck did you even get it?

>>42830746
This is what makes it weirder

I had a panic attack when I was 17 at the prospect of growing to be a middle-aged man, which was an odd thing to happen since I was pretty conventionally attractive in a twinky way and my dad aged pretty well so it wasn’t a fear of ugliness or anything

I started at 20 with DIY after spending 3 years spent trying to get it prescribed via the crappy UK system.

Told my girlfriend at the time I was starting, she asked if I was changing pronouns and I said ‘I’ll see how I feel’

My mental health got significantly better on E

I have no desire to stop

But also I can’t name a reason why I'm actually on it outside of a deep unexplainable need

>>42830674
>I get that being genderfluid is a thing but for some reason that doesn’t feel like the right label though
I relate to this so much. I dont want to be labeled as a non-binary or as genderfluid, i just want to be seen as both a girl and a femboy. Any sort of nonbinary label just feels deeply wrong to me for some reason.

>>42830774
Yeah, it’s kind of hard to explain but the idea of being genderfluid just doesn’t seem to add up to me either

If I was truly genderfluid I wouldn’t have taken the medication that gives you boobs, but also if I was really trans I would have a desire to be feminine

Tbh if I was born as a woman I predict I’d be identical to me now but I know for a fact I would never consider being transmasc

>changed literally nothing about my style
>tried to voice train once and cringed so hard I never attempted it again
>surely no one is naturally this apathetic to everything whilst also wanting to take estrogen

i felt very similar in the first 2 years of transition. i was extremely uncomfortable taking on a feminine presentation until my body itself became clearly legible as feminine. i was also too perfectionist to risk doing anything with my voice.

i feel vastly more comfortable now after ffs. i still am happiest presenting in what reads as female androgyny. i still have never worn a skirt.

>it wasn’t a fear of ugliness or anything
>mental health got significantly better on E
>no desire to stop
>a deep unexplainable need

it seems like e is making you happy. you don't need to tie it all into a coherent identity script. you can just do your own thing

>>42830860
>felt very similar in the first 2 years of transition
Yeah part of the reason why I’m making this thread is because I’m suspicious that this is just really deep repression manifesting as apathy. But if it is this is intense repression since not even I know I’m doing it

Also that’s something I forgot to mention, I’d be very down to have FFS but not because of some intention to pass better, I’ve told multiple people I’d want a nose job and a brow reduction without ever giving them a solid reason for why I would. I don’t think it would make me more attractive, it would probably make me less attractive in all honesty but it’s just yet another unexplainable want

And yeah I have no intention to quit E and I am happy on it, but I wouldn’t mind understanding what I actually like about it

>>42830674
You honestly just sound cis and normal

>>42830922
I don’t think totally cis and normal people start estrogen and stay on it

>>42830674

Yeah the cringe and feelings of shame and apathy are internalized repression.

You are not genderfluid or apathetic about gender, you identify as female but think being feminine as a trans woman is cringe and humiliating because of intense internalized transphobia.

>>42830932
I did

>>42830932

You have to understand that people ont his website are psychotic and hateful, they use drugs and try to fuck with peoole any way they can, not all the transphobes are so un subtle about it that you know what they think.

Coming to this place for advice at age 22 fucking ruined my life. You need to trust friends, therapist, supportive people. The ones who tell you to girlnode who you think are "hugboxxing" you are right. People on here will jsut try to bait you into greater and greater self harm for their own amusement.

>>42830932
>>42830922
There are cis men who take estrogen and are happy, but i wouldnt say theyre normal. Then again i dont think this is the case for op

>>42830954
hugboxxers pushing someone to girlmode can also be harmful, not everyone is always a binary trans girl, OP could easily just be genderfluid or something else entirely. But reddit hugboxxing trans girls love to push people to girlmode and call them eggs before they have any chance to come to their own conclusions of their identiy

>>42830940
Well if that is true how would I break my apathy? I’ve tried a lot of introspection over the last 2 years and no inspiration is hitting

>>42830954
Well aware, but simultaneously there are also people like you who are reasonable without being hugboxxy and ‘you’re super heckin valid for feeling adrift and confused uwu’

I like to hear opinions from people who aren’t strictly out to coddle me even if I have to sift through trolls

>>42830674
Genderfluid isn't real so that can't be it.

>>42830970
Damn a second after I posted my reply the thread updated and you had basically read my mind

>>42830674
>doesn’t feel like the right label
how about you stop navel gazing, accept you’re just an effeminate guy and move on with your life

>>42830985
Because I feel like there’s something missing in my understanding of myself and I’m not used to their being a massive gap in my self-perception

Also my navel is a nice view and I don’t mind gazing at it from time to time

>>42830674
This cam up on my reccies just now
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/sHnMHckN0Yk

>>42830995
someone who calls themselves “genderfluid” has a very childlike attitude and understanding of identity

>>42831016
Oh god, if I am actually genderfluid I will be annoyed, a life of constant dissatisfaction

>>42831028
I think half the point is I don’t understand identity anon, that’s like my whole issue

>>42831035
well I’m here to tell you it’s a thing that only exists within the minds of LGBT circlejerkers

>>42831159
How would you describe me then gender expert

>>42831305
I told you, an effeminate guy

>>42831358
Nah, don’t vibe with that label either, I'm not particularly effeminate personality and style wise

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>>42830674

>>42831396
>don’t vibe with that label
whatever man you’re kinda hopeless

>>42831412
Holy relatable, but I am not all that boring in person, I have some degree of charisma

>>42831415
I’ve been thinking this for a while now

>>42831442
you ever feel like you're not a "whole" or "real" person? like you're missing something fundamental that everyone else has?

>>42831472
Yeah, but more so I just think I’m a self-flagellating egotist who mistakes self-awareness for introspection in all honesty whilst simultaneously being incapable of caring about anyone genuinely

Feels like this is turning into therapy

>>42831482
i'm not trying to fix you i was just wondering what you are

>>42831487
It’s chill, this is all anonymous anyway so ask anything

>>42831482
intellectualizing chronic anhedonia doesn't stop it being maladaptive, it's pretty much guaranteed that people have tons of likes and dislikes, passions and preferences. If they don't it's weird as hell and something is probably wrong.

>>42831551
I do have likes and dislikes in all honesty, they are just all very personal

I like to write, I make music, I read, I cook

I just don’t enjoy doing things with other people all that much unless I’m dating them or drunk. And yes I know that sounds really unhealthy but it’s just what I’ve always been like at this point

>>42831578
I'm sure you have many very compelling ways to minimize these things, but you made this thread to basically point out each of these things, right? to bring attention to your own vague and unsettling lack of sense of your own preference on something as vital and impactful as gender expression. It's not up to me to judge whether you're doing fine even though you've described yourself as someone compulsively disengaged with your own life, maybe you really are just dandy. It makes sense that, if you really are chill and this is all just normal for you, it might be something you second guess considering how different you may seem than the average self image we're sold and told to have for ourselves. If everything is good, no worries, you can pick this up again later if you get curious. If it's not though, anon's right, you should find close friends/family to talk to and tentatively explore the risky world of for profit therapy. Lots of people in the smaller demographics find themselves going numb and disappearing from their own lives without meaning to, it's far from a new thing.

>>42830674
i think genderfluid is just the natural state that every normal person just overrides for the sake of normality. like men and women are so different to eachother and yet no man or woman chooses to be that way (unless they are trans) and if you do choose to be that way, its a commitment to be one thing and not the other. is it really so crazy to think that everyone is just neutral? because who really comes into the world with any idea about what they should be? im surprised so few people consider themselves enby relative to the population of trannies desu.

>>42831704
normal people realize you don’t need to 100% conform to gender stereotypes. you can just be masculine/feminine to whatever extent you want without needing to label it. “queers” don’t realize this and so they obsess over gender identity and then decide they’re genderless or something

>>42830674
kind of in a similar position. i sort of wonder if my perception of things got fucked because none of my female role models growing up were traditionally femme and my sister is a butch lesbian who basically did everything possible to reject being girl-coded while we were growing up.

>>42831647
I think I’ve felt this way my entire life so I don’t really want to change the apathy, if I start caring about things it’ll make life more stressful. Plus therapy is not for me, I know that without meaning to I’d lie to the therapist

>>42831704
I get that but at the same time fucking with your biological sex also brings with it a set of new assumed gender roles and regardless of how valid these assumptions are, they are still a thing im actively getting pressured into now, so why did I do it in the first place and why do I still want to do it?

>>42831765
Im well aware but I do wonder if I care more about gender identity then I actually think, like I said my degree of apathy to this reads to me less as authentic and more like a defence mechanism but I can’t tell to what degree that is and how I’d break it

>>42830674
Reading this feels like a message from future me. I'm 20 and thing of starting diy hrt and my relationship to gender is pretty much the same. I really hope you'll find an answer some day anon.

>>42836014
I’d recommend starting DIY, I don’t regret for a second being on E but maybe I’ll make another thread two years from now updating if I ever figured out my shit